Processing Grief – Emotional Wellness

I lost someone I love and care for 12 days ago.

Her name was Shiloh, she was a beautiful member of our family and to say we all miss her terribly doesn’t seem to be anywhere near an accurate description of how we really feel.

Shiloh was our 11 year old German Shepherd, she has always lived inside the house with us and she kept me company in the studio all day long, except when I had clients in where she would be right behind the studio door eagerly waiting for me to open it.

It has been a tough 12 days. I connect closely with those I love and even though I can still feel her presence around me, I dearly miss patting her, kissing her nose, caring for her and catching her staring at me.

 

She used to stare at me, it was a beautiful gaze

She used to stare at me, I would look back at her and so much would transpire without a single word being spoken. Dogs love and give a relationship like no other. They would never judge, they are always available and waiting to see what we’re doing next. They never want for anything and live in the moment.

I feel like dogs really know how to live their best life. They are all about family. All about connection. They are not fussed on many material possessions, they couldn’t care for your job or your income or how luxurious your house or car is. They love you if you’re dressed up, but they love you even more if you’re unwell and look a mess. They live in the moment that they are in and appreciate everything that is in that moment.

While lots of us humans live in yesterday or tomorrow, dogs keep us grounded and simply sitting on the grass with me, watching me drink a cup of tea was the highlight of Shiloh’s day. I crave a simpler life a lot of the time and I envy her in having what I search for.

   

We started grieving

As expected we started grieving for our girl, I think we were in shock for a few days, even though Shiloh had been unwell for 6 weeks it was still a shock to us after she had passed.

My children know how important it is to talk through their emotions and to sit with them experiencing how they make us feel and why. We were prepared but quickly realised all of our preparation could never be enough to put us in a position for a smoother transition.

The first few days when I was here alone it really hit me. I thought of her constantly, finding it hard to concentrate on anything, walking around lost, empty and just going through the motions of the day blindly. I felt like I was pushing myself just to function when all I felt like doing was sitting in a haze and thinking/processing everything.

I think the hardest part of losing someone you care for is that you feel the responsibility to keep them healthy, happy and well. Shiloh was under my care. I was responsible for her health and happiness. I know she was ageing but when we first realised she was so unwell, I sprung into action to keep her happy, healthy and alive at all costs. This was my job and the role I had taken in bringing her into our family.

As I slowly started to realise that my goal was impossible, that she only had 3 to 6 weeks to live I immediately felt like a failure. Like I was letting her down. Like all of my attempts were inadequate.

Realising my only choice was to keep her as comfortable as possible, I was going to be unable to save her life but I could still provide care and comfort.

Of course as soon as she passed, this care and comfort that was providing a coping mechanism for me ceased to exist. Leaving two huge voids, one of our girl, and one of my role as her carer and keeper.

My family and I selected a tree we loved and planted it not far from our back door. Caring for the new tree planting in Shiloh’s memory has helped in giving me something to care for as I process the void of losing Shiloh.

In asking myself what I missed most, I discovered just how much she had actually given me, just by being here by my side all day. She gave me so much more than what I realised. Anyone who has allowed themselves to have a close relationship with their pet would understand just how much we receive in their company. I have found that some people didn’t understand at all (which is perfectly ok), but I feel so grateful that I was able to experience such a strong bond as I had with her.

I believe that we are all energy, and it’s proven that energy can’t be destroyed it can only change form. So I absolutely know that Shiloh’s energy, her spirit, her soul is still very much here. I can feel her arouond me.

But I miss her physical body and the ability to see and touch her. I miss being able to show her affection through touch and seeing her respond. There is absolutely not a single thing in this universe thst can bring her physical body back. Not a single thing. The finality in death is extremely confronting. This alone is a challenging concept to grasp and must be mourned.

The death of her body even though expected, was sudden and abrupt. We were all there by her side, I held her as her head rested into my hands, laying her gently in my arms. Four sets of hands calmly running over her, four very familiar voices telling her how much she was loved. I knew her body well, her face, her paws, her ears, her deep brown eyes. To know I can only see her physical body in photos now is a bitter sweet thing.

In bouts of hurt and anger I became determined not to let the pain in my heart turn into something ugly. I had a choice from here as to how I will tell her story. In realising all the strength and support she gave there was no other choice but to move forward keeping all the goodness she gave me. As a parent I can only hope that the love I give to my children would be enough to carry the through all of their days, I am sure Shiloh would have hoped the same for us.

 

Moving forward felt like moving away

But moving forward also felt like I was moving away from her. In moving forward, the distance between when I had her by my side and when I didn’t would become greater. If I was going for a walk with a family member and they became unwell suddenly and couldn’t continue I would stay with them and make sure they were safe. I wouldn’t keep moving forward and leave them behind. My instinct was to stay where she was and keep her with me for as long as possible. I did this for a few days but I knew I had to let this go. Not to let Shiloh go, but to let this attachment to keeping yesterday as close as possible go.

I happened to stumble across a quote on Instagram that said something along the lines of “when you lose someone you love, you won’t ever get over them. Their loss will become a part of you.”

I feel I was meant to see this quote and pursued a way to keep Shiloh with me while still letting go of the instinct to hold onto yesterday. I searched for an item to become a tie to Shiloh’s memory and a reminder of what she taught me in life and also in her death. Something I could hold and carry, and keep with me. So I could bring her forward with me.

I had a choice

Losing Shiloh and our close bond seemed to be a cause for a lot of pain but in honestly exploring this experience in an effort to understand it further, Shiloh in her passing was actually was helping me to know myself better. Sitting in this uncomfortable position forced me to grow and step into the next best version of me.

In processing Shiloh’s passing, the days brought clarity and perspective. I could see that one way to keep her memory alive was to learn the lessons she taught me and involve those lessons in my daily life. I know I have a long way to go in this grieving process, it is early days and I know the next few years will bring hard days still. But this is a good starting point as I grow around her loss, allowing it to become a part of me.

The day Shiloh passed, I asked her to let me know somehow that she was ok. Three days after she passed away I had a dream and in that dream I saw a photograph of Shiloh jumping high and catching a clear bubble of light mid air. It looked like a photo I would take in my portrait business. The setting sun was behind her, the background softly blurred and full of light. Light green on the the lower half and yellow and orange on the top half. She was young, agile, fit and strong. She didn’t have any grey fur at all. Her black and gold colouring was strong and vibrant.

I saw the photo for about 10 seconds and I could hear a section of the song There You’ll Be by Faith Hill from the Pearl Harbour soundtrack. I knew then that she was free from her physical restraints and was happy and safe. I’m so grateful for that vision.

A few days later I pulled up on my driveway to pick up a parcel a courier had left on the seat on my front verandah. As I got out of my car there was a white feather right in front of me, as I came around behind my car there was another, and another about a metre away. I walked closer to the house and found one more white feather.

I had four pure white feathers in my hands, I couldn’t see anymore, there was only four in my path. One for each of us? My Husband, myself and our two children? Gifts from our girl. Little treasures scattered right in my path for me to collect. White feathers mean our Angels are near by and are with us. These beautiful, white feathers picked us all up and helped us begin to turn our heartbroken energy into something more positive.

One last photograph

Shiloh had always been by my side while creating the Humble Hunter portfolio, she was by my side every step of the way. Shiloh would literally sleep beside me while creating, even to the extent that I would have to slide her along the floor as she was bumping the legs of my tripod!

I had been working on a new concept for a while but needed to wait for blue Iris’s to become available here in Sydney. I dearly wanted to create this photo with Shiloh before she passed, knowing it would be the last I would create with her gentle energy surrounding me.

I took this last photo with Shiloh sleeping beside me on the 4^th of November. It is uncanny that the message in this photograph is the exact message that I have needed to hear in the past two weeks. While Shiloh was with me I only got to take and finalise the photograph, I didn’t get to name the photo or officially write the story. I have done this now and this new artwork will be released shortly.

Thought River

I will be dedicating the new photographed named; Thought River, to my beautiful girl Shiloh. We have created 38 photographs together now in total. It is sad that this photograph will be the last we created together but I know she will still be by my side always, and she will be a continually contributing factor to new artworks I create in the future.

Thought River is about all of the many and varied thoughts that flow through our mind each and every day. It is about being sure to acknowledge those thoughts and sit with them in an effort to fully feel them and discover the reasons for them. Even the tough, hard emotions.

It can be easy to walk away from the tough emotions we feel but we feel them for a reason. Blocking them, shutting them out, numbing ourselves to tough emotions seems like s positive mood in regsrds to staying positive, but we often only find that positivity after we sit with the sadness, hurt and anger. We need to find the reason for those tough emotions, or they will simply keep hounding us until we do.

To hold off, is to hold on.

To numb sadness, is to also numb happiness.

This new photograph is a reminder that struggling and resisting emotions can lead to more suffering and that taking the time to process and experience all of your emotions is a part of living a full, enriching life.

It has been really cathartic and also a wonderful learning experience for me just in writing this article and getting the words down. Thank you.

I am so incredibly blessed and grateful to have had Shiloh in my life. I can’t wait to share our most recent creation with you all.

 

Thank you so much for being here,

The Humble Hunter x

For help on moving through grief please follow this link

https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/grief-loss